There is no other nation that can celebrate mediocrity with the enthusiasm and fervour that the British can. To be bland and nondescript excites them no end. One merely has to cast a quick glance over the past year’s sporting results to be confronted with a nation hell-bent on celebrating the average. Not just the public, of course, but more often than not the press – that most hated of collective – the British Media. Spit.

With the Ozzies coming in at a close second place – the British have to be some of the worst winners in sport. Recently, they have had a good stab at being the worst losers as well, although that spot is probably still firmly held onto by Australia. The excuses and reasons for losing the B&I Lions series here in South Africa were sickening both from players and the journalists alike – competing for the most pathetic explanations for losing 2-1. We had everything from foul play, to bullying (What? In rugby?) to tour dates and even provincial player selections. Eventually the moaning stopped for a short while as the press, players and, it seemed, the coaching and managerial staff all hailed a tremendous victory and tour salvaging win against a patchwork second string Springbok side. Scary, yet, so sad

Let’s have a quick look at major sporting codes. The Ashes series has historically been the most engrossing battle between two cricketing nations. Legends and villains have been created from within this series that has been entertaining fans since around 1882. The series of 2009 has started off with a relative bang in that the result was quite a thrilling draw. A result that is incredibly flattering to a poor English side that were thoroughly outplayed and dominated for 3 or 4 days out of the 5. As it were, the tail-enders and, more importantly, the technically ridiculous Collingwood fought out an unlikely draw. Collingwood back-step-hang-batted his way to 74 after a defiant 344 minutes at the crease with some stunning number 10 and 11 batting from Anderson and Monty at the death. The result should of course have been an absolute thrashing at the hands of the Australians who struggled twice to end the English side after doing the hard work up front.

Not being able to kill off the tail is a distinctly South African problem that the Ozzies seem to have adopted – most likely due to their less than impressive bowling lineup. No real strike bowler and provincial class (at best) change bowlers, not to mention the much touted mediocre bowling from their frontline spinner all culminate in a tepid attack. This was exposed for the world to see as Australia managed to let the victory they deserved slip away. Unfortunately – this has culminated in an ecstatic draw for the home side – duly celebrated and treated as a victory. The inability of the Ozzie bowlers to penetrate the often spastic batting of Monty Panesar has created another frenzied bout of celebration and joy within the English camp. They celebrated a draw as if they went 1-0 up. Terrible.

The South African born Pietersen and the South African born Strauss must feel a little uneasy amongst their (now) English countrymen having to show pleasure at a draw that has to be described as unlikely, at least. No thoroughbred South African will EVER enjoy losing or drawing to an Ozzie, unlike the rest of the squad that Strauss finds himself captaining at the moment.

Likewise, an incapable Springbok coach handed the B&I Lions a 3^rd test victory with some sublime displays of ineptitude and

general cluelessness. The British media and players hailed it as a great victory over the ‘World Champions’ and somehow managed to come away from Africa with their heads held high and a belief that they were the better team regardless of the 2-1 series score line. Traditional coaches and players from older Springbok era’s would have been positively vilified if they had capitulated and surrendered to a Lions touring side the way that the 2009 Springboks did. Going 2-0 up against a depleted and injured Lions side would probably have spurred the old guard on even more. They would have smelled blood and gone for the kill – a series whitewash being the only thing on their minds.

The one positive coming from the disastrous 3^rd test is the temporary cease-fire from the British media on the Springbok management and players. Never before have we at Kiefpant witnessed such whining and moaning from rugby players. The cry-baby antics were depressing. The worst was after the 2^nd test – all players, staff and media harping on the fact that they should’ve been playing against 14 men. The fact that they didn’t is a moot point and in questioning the yellow card vs red card for Burger is valid. He should have been sent off for a moment of idiocy. The worrying issue though is that British side are effectively stating that they could not win against 15 Springboks – they were hard done by since they would have liked to have played against 14 Springboks rather. That is the only way they felt they could square up the series. 14 rather than 15. That is pathetic, weak, embarrassing and should explain a lot about the negative mentality up North.

Get on the rugby pitch – slug it out, fight, play, score points, win and then say what you need to say. Don’t cry like a bunch of girls on a netball tour. This was rugby and it was rugby in Africa – Southern Hemisphere rugby where we don’t cry like a bunch of victimized teenage girls after losing a series. True to their nature, the British were hailed as heroes after winning the 3^rd test to a second string side. A side that contained Ralapelle, the 2^nd choice hooker at the Bulls franchise. Nokwe who unfortunately isn’t even in the Cheetahs starting lineup (the franchise that ended last in this year’s Super 14 competition). With some more perplexing selections and bad combinations, a banned Burger and Bakkies, the team was never going to live up to expectation. In celebrating the 3^rd test win the British effectively celebrated their ability to be silver medalists. They need to be playing against 14 Springboks to win and they only need to win one test out of three. The tour occurs once in 12 years and that is their measurement of success, you are not building for the future or getting experience – the Lions tour is a once-off. That’s it. You either win the series or you lose the series. Adoration for coming second does not breed a winning culture you pompous asses.

Football, or rather ‘soccer’, as we like to call it in the Southern Hemisphere, is another rather good example. The English

players are internationally known and heroes to so many children. They are stars and paid exorbitant sums of money to run up and down a grass pitch. All things considered they are not very good though. With the amount of fans, support base, money pumped into football, premier league standard and youth development within the English game – you would expect nothing less than top 5 ranking and semi-final achievements as a minimum. Not even qualifying for the European completion is laughable. All those big names couldn’t get England into the upper echelons of European football. They barely qualified for the World Cup.

They are the best of the best within England though, and their club performances are scrutinized and analyzed weekly. The English powers that be saw the light eventually and refrained from appointing another English manager and went for big-name star-studded European credentials in an attempt to coax some life into their insipid football team. If the footie-watching public would insist on not settling for mediocrity in their holiest of sports, then they too could be watching the Poms take on the might of Brazil or Italy in a noteworthy final of some sort as opposed to struggling with Andorra or some-such little European country for supremacy in their division, fighting for that elusive qualification.

Tennis, poor deluded, desperate England. Much like the cricket team, which is more often than not bolstered by South Africans (Lamb, Petersen, Strauss etc) – the Poms have resorted to accepting non-Pom as their hopeful savior. The support for the Scotsman, for example, and previously the Canadian, borders on the embarrassing. They are so desperate for a good showing at Wimbledon that the English fans cheer anything and everything remotely point-worthy.

Cheering for a draw, cheering for a quarter-final showing at Wimbledon, celebrating a series loss in Africa for the Lions and cheering for top ten level footballers – it’s a tough life being an English sports fan, but they- and to a greater extent the press, don’t seem to care. The English athletes being produced these days do not appear to be at the same level as the rest of the 1^st class competing countries, whether it be rugby, football, cricket or tennis. Pasty, skinny and stressed (Stresscothic anyone, haha) seem to be the average product of the English schooling system and sporting codes. Maybe the seemingly unending adoration of relatively bland athletes is misinterpreted for an actual celebration of the best that England can offer.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 16th, 2009 at 7:08 am and is filed under Featured. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.