There is no other nation that can celebrate mediocrity with the enthusiasm and fervour that the British can. To be bland and nondescript excites them no end. One merely has to cast a quick glance over the past year’s sporting results to be confronted with a nation hell-bent on celebrating the average. Not just the public, of course, but more often than not the press – that most hated of collective – the British Media. Spit.

With the Ozzies coming in at a close second place – the British have to be some of the worst winners in sport. Recently, they have had a good stab at being the worst losers as well, although that spot is probably still firmly held onto by Australia. The excuses and reasons for losing the B&I Lions series here in South Africa were sickening both from players and the journalists alike – competing for the most pathetic explanations for losing 2-1. We had everything from foul play, to bullying (What? In rugby?) to tour dates and even provincial player selections. Eventually the moaning stopped for a short while as the press, players and, it seemed, the coaching and managerial staff all hailed a tremendous victory and tour salvaging win against a patchwork second string Springbok side. Scary, yet, so sad

ITS A DRAW!!!

Let’s have a quick look at major sporting codes. The Ashes series has historically been the most engrossing battle between two cricketing nations. Legends and villains have been created from within this series that has been entertaining fans since around 1882. The series of 2009 has started off with a relative bang in that the result was quite a thrilling draw. A result that is incredibly flattering to a poor English side that were thoroughly outplayed and dominated for 3 or 4 days out of the 5. As it were, the tail-enders and, more importantly, the technically ridiculous Collingwood fought out an unlikely draw. Collingwood back-step-hang-batted his way to 74 after a defiant 344 minutes at the crease with some stunning number 10 and 11 batting from Anderson and Monty at the death. The result should of course have been an absolute thrashing at the hands of the Australians who struggled twice to end the English side after doing the hard work up front.

Not being able to kill off the tail is a distinctly South African problem that the Ozzies seem to have adopted – most likely due to their less than impressive bowling lineup. No real strike bowler and provincial class (at best) change bowlers, not to mention the much touted mediocre bowling from their frontline spinner all culminate in a tepid attack. This was exposed for the world to see as Australia managed to let the victory they deserved slip away. Unfortunately – this has culminated in an ecstatic draw for the home side – duly celebrated and treated as a victory. The inability of the Ozzie bowlers to penetrate the often spastic batting of Monty Panesar has created another frenzied bout of celebration and joy within the English camp. They celebrated a draw as if they went 1-0 up. Terrible.

The South African born Pietersen and the South African born Strauss must feel a little uneasy amongst their (now) English countrymen having to show pleasure at a draw that has to be described as unlikely, at least. No thoroughbred South African will EVER enjoy losing or drawing to an Ozzie, unlike the rest of the squad that Strauss finds himself captaining at the moment.

Likewise, an incapable Springbok coach handed the B&I Lions a 3^rd test victory with some sublime displays of ineptitude and

Habana gets smashed by Sackey

general cluelessness. The British media and players hailed it as a great victory over the ‘World Champions’ and somehow managed to come away from Africa with their heads held high and a belief that they were the better team regardless of the 2-1 series score line. Traditional coaches and players from older Springbok era’s would have been positively vilified if they had capitulated and surrendered to a Lions touring side the way that the 2009 Springboks did. Going 2-0 up against a depleted and injured Lions side would probably have spurred the old guard on even more. They would have smelled blood and gone for the kill – a series whitewash being the only thing on their minds.

The one positive coming from the disastrous 3^rd test is the temporary cease-fire from the British media on the Springbok management and players. Never before have we at Kiefpant witnessed such whining and moaning from rugby players. The cry-baby antics were depressing. The worst was after the 2^nd test – all players, staff and media harping on the fact that they should’ve been playing against 14 men. The fact that they didn’t is a moot point and in questioning the yellow card vs red card for Burger is valid. He should have been sent off for a moment of idiocy. The worrying issue though is that British side are effectively stating that they could not win against 15 Springboks – they were hard done by since they would have liked to have played against 14 Springboks rather. That is the only way they felt they could square up the series. 14 rather than 15. That is pathetic, weak, embarrassing and should explain a lot about the negative mentality up North.

Englishman destroys two Springboks

Get on the rugby pitch – slug it out, fight, play, score points, win and then say what you need to say. Don’t cry like a bunch of girls on a netball tour. This was rugby and it was rugby in Africa – Southern Hemisphere rugby where we don’t cry like a bunch of victimized teenage girls after losing a series. True to their nature, the British were hailed as heroes after winning the 3^rd test to a second string side. A side that contained Ralapelle, the 2^nd choice hooker at the Bulls franchise. Nokwe who unfortunately isn’t even in the Cheetahs starting lineup (the franchise that ended last in this year’s Super 14 competition). With some more perplexing selections and bad combinations, a banned Burger and Bakkies, the team was never going to live up to expectation. In celebrating the 3^rd test win the British effectively celebrated their ability to be silver medalists. They need to be playing against 14 Springboks to win and they only need to win one test out of three. The tour occurs once in 12 years and that is their measurement of success, you are not building for the future or getting experience – the Lions tour is a once-off. That’s it. You either win the series or you lose the series. Adoration for coming second does not breed a winning culture you pompous asses.

Football, or rather ‘soccer’, as we like to call it in the Southern Hemisphere, is another rather good example. The English

British Lion destroys Ellis Park

players are internationally known and heroes to so many children. They are stars and paid exorbitant sums of money to run up and down a grass pitch. All things considered they are not very good though. With the amount of fans, support base, money pumped into football, premier league standard and youth development within the English game – you would expect nothing less than top 5 ranking and semi-final achievements as a minimum. Not even qualifying for the European completion is laughable. All those big names couldn’t get England into the upper echelons of European football. They barely qualified for the World Cup.

They are the best of the best within England though, and their club performances are scrutinized and analyzed weekly. The English powers that be saw the light eventually and refrained from appointing another English manager and went for big-name star-studded European credentials in an attempt to coax some life into their insipid football team. If the footie-watching public would insist on not settling for mediocrity in their holiest of sports, then they too could be watching the Poms take on the might of Brazil or Italy in a noteworthy final of some sort as opposed to struggling with Andorra or some-such little European country for supremacy in their division, fighting for that elusive qualification.

"Its OK. You did your best"

Tennis, poor deluded, desperate England. Much like the cricket team, which is more often than not bolstered by South Africans (Lamb, Petersen, Strauss etc) – the Poms have resorted to accepting non-Pom as their hopeful savior. The support for the Scotsman, for example, and previously the Canadian, borders on the embarrassing. They are so desperate for a good showing at Wimbledon that the English fans cheer anything and everything remotely point-worthy.

Cheering for a draw, cheering for a quarter-final showing at Wimbledon, celebrating a series loss in Africa for the Lions and cheering for top ten level footballers – it’s a tough life being an English sports fan, but they- and to a greater extent the press, don’t seem to care. The English athletes being produced these days do not appear to be at the same level as the rest of the 1^st class competing countries, whether it be rugby, football, cricket or tennis. Pasty, skinny and stressed (Stresscothic anyone, haha) seem to be the average product of the English schooling system and sporting codes. Maybe the seemingly unending adoration of relatively bland athletes is misinterpreted for an actual celebration of the best that England can offer.

I have been thinking to myself recently, “Self, who exactly is this Comrade Stofile and what makes him qualified to to run the very sports which are responsible for your current high blood pressure and receding hairline? Who is this political beast that manages to terrify selection panels so? Why is he being used to scare Afrikaans children into eating their vegetables and going to church on Sunday?”

Lets review his background and recent history a little and see what he brings to the table. Surely I am being unfair to criticize a man I know little about? I must admit, I am incredibly impressed and almost in a state of awe after doing the necessary research. The man exudes competence. Consider:

1. He studied towards a masters in Theology

Rugby is like a religion in South Africa. Football manages to drum up costumes even more ludicrous than the Church of Zion after the obligatory (or we strike) Christmas bonus. Cricket too has a lot of Hindu support and there is no doubt that Stofile does look a bit like a cow. Ray MaCauly went from wrestler to Donald Tru…I mean savior of South Africa almost overnight. That provides further evidence of yet another correlation between sports and religion in South Africa.

Fuck the idea that he has no formal training in sports administration! Who needs an education in Sports Administration, Business Administration or any administration (I include typing and shorthand) when you are a Theologian? Who? He is perfectly qualified thank you very much. You dont need administrative experience when you have Jesus on your side. The line between sports/religion in South Africa is blurred anyway. This is not a problem at all and you are a racist cunt for thinking it would be.

2. Stofile was instrumental in the campaign which led to the cancelled All Black tour of Apartheid South Africa in 1984.

It was a massive boost for the anti-Apartheid movement and it sends a clear message to all and sundry that he knows how to organise a political hoe down. Im sure Cheeky Watson needs to only think of Stofiles accomplishment and any need for Viagra dissipates instantly. No one has a problem with his successful protest in 1984, especially Naas Botha who was probably going to get monstered in that series anyway, but it does beg the question:

What does his ability to protest have to do with SPORTS ADMINISTRATION AND POLICY MAKING?

Very little it seems, although it does provide further evidence of what a buffoon I really am. Not just me, those that would defy his credentials too. His appointment is ingenious really. South Africa does not need people with the traditional credentials or experience to fill this post. They would only lack the logical approach required to minister sports and recreation the way the ruling party believes it should be done. They would lack the ability to view things politically. After all, how are we ever going to right the injustices of the past if we cant, at the very least, smell the vinegar coated all over the chip we carry on our shoulder?

We need to seriously get with the program here. Unless you fought in the struggle you will NEVER be able to steer the ship that is South African sport, you fucking incompetent. Get that into your thick skull already. Sheesh. What do you want here? Crayons?

3. He played wing at club level…

…and would have no doubt captained the Springboks if not for those racist fucking Dutchmen that did not allow blacks to play rugby with them. Who scores all the tries anyway? WHO? Its only logical to assume that the person who would typically score the most points in a rugby match is going to know how to score points everywhere else too. This oke knows how to score points.I dont want to call them brownie points because that would be racist, so I will call them “sucking up points” instead. He just really knows how to score them. With everyone. This is a huge asset to South African sports. The ability to bring political clout to sports and keep the ANC happy.

4. He told Pieter de Villiers to sober up

No one likes a drunk. Im sure when they were sitting at the local tavern discussing transformation and the tactical approach required to win a Tri Nations, poor Comrade Stofile must have thought “Hey, this guy says he loves Jesus. I love Jesus. Even Jesus enjoyed the odd glass of wine from time to time. Im sure he does not go through life permanently pissed like this. We need a black man coaching the Springboks already anyway. Fuck not having a record at first class level, he makes my loins sing”

We can forgive Stofile for feeling let down and its not like he knew Div would turn into the babbling, Eastern Cape Mark Twain wannabe he has become. Even though he has admitted to knowing him personally he could not foresee this happening. Just because they played rugby together in the past does not mean he should shy away from doing him the odd favour either.

The fact that he is telling Div to calm down now just goes to show the kind of leadership and judgment this man has.

5. He almost became the man who signed off all sporting selections

Stofile wants more control

I cant believe that we never passed this bill. How can transformation, and the obvious boost in performance and improved results it would bring, be left to the coaches alone? How? Those racist pricks ignore black players out of spite and there is no way they are going to get the necessary numbers in the side unless we let the government step in.

This is a guy that kept New Zealand off the plane in 1984!!! No one knows sports better than Comrade Stofile!!! No one!!!

Its not like he wanted control of all the teams anyway. Just the most successful ones, that being cricket and rugby. Not only are these teams refusing to select players of colour ad nausem, but being the more successful teams that they are does require some level of intervention. At least to ensure we dont fuck up their success any further. CATCH A WAKE UP PEOPLE. This is good for the sporting codes. We need Stofile to get more involved here.

6. He will spend what he needs to and will make sure the job is done. To hell with you

Sports finances in a mess

What, you think this shit comes cheap? The man is a Presbyterian, not Ryan Kankowski. Penny wise, pound foolish the English say and I for one agree with them. Those bonuses were for a job well done. Besides, it was probably Christmas. What kind of Theologian would not hand out a bonus over the religious holidays?

Corporate governance issues? Corporates and sports dont go together you nitwit. Maybe the odd team building day or when they advertise on the players kit, but sports are all about having fun. Corporate governance is all about work. Where the fuck is the recreation in that? Minister of Sports and RECREATION. Take your corporate what what and just leave this man alone already.

Corruption charges? Pfffffft. He rejected them with contempt man. With contempt. That is a fucking strong rejection. Not to mention he is a Revrend

I reject it with contempt

I must admit, I had my doubts about him. Not anymore though. Comrade Stofile has my full confidence going forward. It just goes to show that when you do the proper research you can often discover those nuggets of truth that completely blow your preconceptions out the water. I am so sorry I doubted you china.I know that this is merely the tip of the iceberg when we detail your exploits and achievements, but I got the picture now. We all do.

Or, seemingly more appropriately, what is the use of pointing out the obvious if the emperor’s guard (Government, SARU, whatever) poke the bystanders with their swords of guilt and retribution. The unwritten rule is – You DON’T point out that any Affirmative Action token is incompetent. You WILL be branded a racist – fuck – even black reporters weren’t spared the wrath of Peter De Villiers for questioning his quota selections. He will brand you a racist, SARU will brand you a racist and the government will brand you a racist. No wonder the South African media, respected rugby writers and journalists as well as popular presenters and commentators have all followed suit and, in their refusal to criticize or point out the obvious, have condoned the reckless and ultimately inept coach of our national squad.

We here at Kiefpant have doubted the extent to which P Divvie (yes, it is funny, I will use it throughout) actually coaches the team – as opposed to just making selection decisions and fucking up media sessions. Suggestions have been made that Smit, Matfield, Smith and probably Burger have been keeping the side together with collective experience and momentum alone. The juggernaut that was the 2007 Springbok team is gradually slowing down and will, with enough government intervention and Peter De Villiers’ ignorance, grind to a depressing halt – most likely before or during the upcoming Tri Nations. The 3rd test against a battered and injured Lions side showed just how far the coach’s inability to understand some basic fundamentals of rugby stretches. He is a terrible tactician, horribly exposed in this series, his technical knowledge is sub-par – at best. He was most definitely NOT selected for his rugby knowledge, man-management or strategic know-how. As has been shown in the last few weeks – he most definitely was not appointed Springbok coach due to his eloquence and ability to handle the media either.

He has rightfully been labeled a clown and, summing up countless articles that have sprung up recently, an idiot. The fact that the Pommie media do not often get exposed to the farcical administrators and coaches in South Africa was evident due to the great shock and disbelief they exhibited every time the schmuck opened his mouth. “Did he really say that?” is possibly the most common response after a media briefing. For those still confused as to why Peter De Villiers gets so much criticism – let me spell it out:

Peter De Villiers is a quota appointment.

This relatively short statement is a fact – SARU have admitted as much – this is why our beloved Springbok team has a blithering idiot as a coach as opposed to, say, Heynecke Meyer who is a tried and tested coach with actual credentials, titles and the ability to handle rugby players and steer them towards victories that are in relation to their ability. Meyer was hard done by in that he missed out on the appointment due to having the terrible affliction of being white.

Being a quota player or coach also means that the reason you are there (you aren’t white) absolves you of so much. You don’t have to be capable to perform your job. Peter De Villiers has inherited one of the most powerful ‘Bok squads for a very long time. Jake White’s efforts over the four long and hard years up to 2007 ensured that there was a solid first 15, adequate depth and a well-oiled unit capable of beating anything put in front of them. They were a complete squad, covering all the bases and having very, very few weaknesses. This was taken summarily and placed in the inept hands of Peter De Villiers.

The disease is widespread though, like a cancer that starts off a rotten base (government and SARU) and infects everything around it; the unions, the clubs, the players, the public and more importantly – the media. The entire rugby viewing public cringed when a player-turned-presenter (whom I respec, by the way) on the popular South African rugby show “Boots & All” tried to force-feed the public into telling us that the only two scrumhalf options for the upcoming Lions series are Fourie Du Preez and, yes, wait for it, Ricky Januarie. “Who is Ricky Januarie again?” I hear you say. He is that fat little halfback that is the slowest and worst distributor of a rugby ball off the base of the scrum, he is a terrible player. We all knew when he scored that try in New-Zealand that it cemented his place in the Springbok team for 5 more years. It is a shame because he is so, so, so bad. Poor Morne Steyn had to get his very first touch of the ball in the 1st test from Januarie, a shocking pass in his own goal area under pressure – he handled it masterfully though, thank fuck. We cannot blame international viewers for being shocked at the exclusion of mighty performers as Jano Vermaak and Rory Kockott for the inept Januarie. An Exceptional selection there Peter.

Januarie has not been able to hold down a place in his provincial team for some time now. The fact that a professional sportsman, a rugby player no less, is allowed to let himself slide so badly is despicable. Rassie Erasmus benching Januarie for most of the season had absolutely NO bearing on him being selected for the ‘Boks – believe it or not. Not only is that a slap in the face of anybody remotely aware of what rugby is, but then you have Bobby Skinstad trying to convince us that the fat fuck deserves a place in the national squad. Embarrassing. This is what I mean with a cancer. It spreads. It has spread to otherwise intelligent, knowledgeable ex-rugby players. I KNOW that Bobby was watching the same Super 14 games as us because he commentated on them, his endorsement of bad rugby players is tantamount to support for P Divvie’s terrible decisions (or indecisions – “… I changed the team 4 or 5 times in one week…”). Terrible.

The hilarity (idiocy) does not stop there. On rightfully being questioned about his odd selections (I have not even started on Earl Rose) Peter De Villiers, believe it or not, pulled out that trump card of his – racism. The fact that the entire planet questioned an incapable Januarie’s inclusion meant that they were all racists. Remember how I explained earlier that any AA selection does not actually have to be capable, it hasn’t rung more true than for Januarie, Rose and P Divvie himself. De Villiers, the dumb fuck, completely disregards the fact that the very same supporters he is branding as racist are the very same supporters who scream their lungs out at Beast Mtwarira every time he just looks at the ball. They worship the ground Habana walks on and they love JP Pietersen. But when we question the inclusion of an overweight, inept and B-rate scrumhalf we are branded racists. You cannot compete with flawed logic like that – especially not when it has the protection of the entire government at its back and the support of the media.

The same supporters are the ones that endure week after week of laughable performances by Earl Rose – so bad that in a franchise that has problems finding quota players, they cannot get themselves to pick him for the run on side. They would rather suffer the attacks and retribution from the government than field the obviously inept Rose, that says a lot. The poor kid has been shifted all round the park just to be able to find a position where he does the least damage. He has been woeful since he picked up a rugby ball, Western Province must have partied for weeks when they managed to offload him to the Golden Lions.

It was therefore sickening, utterly disgusting, when Earl was selected to play fly-half for the “Emerging Springboks” against the touring Lions. This after Loffie Eloff’s replacement at the Golden Lions also placed him on the bench for the franchise’s match against the B&I Lions. Two coaching teams couldn’t find a place for Earl Rose in the squad, but this means nothing to the rugby genius that is Peter De Villiers who had a little hissy fit and barred the Lions from using Rose at all because he was benched.

Earl duly responded and posted a performance as useless as his career has been to date. In admittedly terrible weather he managed to fumble, stutter, drop, knock and trip his way to a bad a performance – which is a resounding improvement. He missed all but one or two kicks at posts – with the utterly sickening commentators (the spreading cancer) constantly reminding us of how bad the weather is – how brilliantly he managed to strike the ball (it nearly hit the corner flag you dumb fucks) and how amazing he is doing in these conditions. Every touch was praised, every step he took had the commentators cheering like they would a little useless baby-giraffe’s first steps. They were insulting the rugby viewing public’s intelligence in thinking we would fall for that crap. We didn’t, it is obvious Earl is kak. It was enforced when Willem De Waal, a decidedly average flyhalf came on and turned the game around.

He did the basics and the backline moved. In the very same atrocious conditions De Waal kicked a goal from the touchline to draw the game. A pressure kick only surpassed by Morne Steyn’s contributions in the 2nd test. But, Earl Rose was the darling child of the coaching and commentating team.  A spreading cancer I tell you. A spreading cancer. What the paying public wouldn’t give for honest commentators and announcers.

Perhaps the most farcical of Peter De Villiers’ weaponry is his in-game tactical nous. Yes, nous. On paper and taking experience into account – the Springboks should have won this series 3-0 and each game by 15 points or more. No argument required. The fact that we scraped a win in two tests and gave away the 3rd is a tragedy. There are very few human specimens as hated as the average pommie journalist. They are deluded and suffer from extreme bias. They are the worst whingers, whiners and moaners that can be found in any collective group. The worst thing we as South Africans could have given the British Media was:

1.    One or many controversial incidents
2.    Close games where the difference is less than a disputed try or penalty
3.    A win of ANY kind

We should have won 3-0 with complete domination and no chance of a collective whine from the British Isles. They would then HAVE to turn on their own players rather than manufactured incidents.

As it turns out we failed in (1), (2) and (3). It is therefore not surprising then that each and every single British journalist is having a field day – South Africans are dirty ruffians who only won because of our disgusting foul play (1). We are not as good as we think and deserved to lose the series, not win it, in fact – we only won because of the ref, TV-ref, luck, pick one (2). The Lions are heroes and warriors among men because they came here and conquered, the last test was epic and shows just how much more superior they are to the Springboks (3). Painful. Painful indeed.

The above is all Peter De Villiers’ fault and he ensured that a potentially brilliant team plays mediocre, come from behind rugby, relying on the stars within the squad to save/win the game despite his ridiculous tactical decision-making and nonsensical selections.

The Ozzie and Kiwi coaches, players and fans will be licking their lips at the prospect of clashing with a powerful side without a commander at the helm. There really is no-one to steer the Springbok ship – it is a case of the passengers trying to navigate the seas without a navigator on board. As has been noted elsewhere on this website – quota players are there to stay – hence the forced inclusion of a below par player like Adi Jacobs. Despite popular opinion, he has made a tackle in his life before, but it was a few years ago and no cameras were on hand to record it. He hasn’t made a tackle since then and doesn’t look likely to do so in the near future – not when the next few players opposite him will be the likes of Mortlock, Nonu, Smith etc. Until he finally moves on he will continue to put pressure on his own channel and force Jean De Villiers to do double defensive duty and the team having to spread the flankers wider just to be able to provide cover behind the leaking Jacobs. Wonderful selection there Peter. Brilliant.

We are not likely to see the back of P Divvie for a while, he is an outspoken ANC member and all his failures can be blamed on the press, racists and hidden agendas, of course. When those are exhausted I am sure he will locate some more flimsy, weak and transparent excuses other than provide actual reasons for him being a bungling fool at the helm of a potentially powerful squad. It is only a few very special coaches who can manage to obliterate a dominant performance like the ‘Boks in the 1st Lions test and turn that into a defeat (but for a few try-saving tackles). Also, only a few special coaches have the ability to take the all-conquering ‘Boks of 2007 and make them end last the following Tri Nations, with the core group all playing no less.

Maybe that is his skill. He will continue throwing obstacles in the way of John Smit and the lads in order to give them character, make them stronger and force them to work harder for a win that would otherwise have occurred easily. P Divvie went out of his way to give the Lions as much ball, momentum and field position to win the series. Maybe, if the Ozzies and Kiwi’s are lucky, he will grant them the same privileges and be known as the most generous, yet, moronic, Springbok coach in recent memory.

The Emperor has no clothes. The Emperor got the job because he is black. The media are well aware of this fact (save for a few outspoken individuals) and are following the line nicely – good little journalists – treating Peter De Villiers as if he is an actual coach. Bobby Skinstad, John Robbie, Andy Capostanio (or whoever the commentator was trying to feed us crap about Earl Rose being able to play rugby), Naas Botha and all the other presenters – please, grow some balls and call it like it is. Pretending that the Springboks have a proper coach is only making it worse, what will you say after a Tri Nations disaster? Whose fault will it be? What will we blame it on then? The Jake White Green Machine is running out of gas fast. Peter De Villiers has managed to coach the machine to a terrible Tri Nations and a mediocre Lions Series (in terms of results, the fact that it was so close was exciting but ultimately a false reflection on what should have happened – a 3-0 whitewash of epic proportions).

The All Blacks, with all their injuries and low confidence are there for the taking. Unfortunately for South Africans, Peter De Villiers himself doesn’t have the foggiest idea how he must go about to beat the Kiwi B-Team, nevermind a below-par Ozzie side that is starting to look dangerous under the excellent Robbie Deans.

We deserve a proper coach. The supporters deserve a coach that is equal to the exceptional talent and abilities within the Springbok squad and is able to adequately harness and steer the squad to the victories they deserve. Is it not possible to enforce quota selections at managerial and coaching level without making us the laughing stock of professional rugby?

We deserve an emperor with clothes.

With all this in mind, we’ve decided to offer up a few of our own predictions regarding the series. Please note that we at Kiefpant bear absolutely no ill will towards bitchy, whiny, arrogant, attention-whoring ex-pats with identity crises.

Dean

#1: Phil Hughes will score runs, but not set the world alight. His problem against the short ball will be exposed.
#2: Mitch Johnson will not rip through England like he did South Africa. They dont struggle against lefties and he is still a loose cannon. He will go for plenty
#3: Aussie spinners are going to have little impact, while England’s Swann is going to be in the wickets
#4: Australia is going to lose the Ashes.
#5: Kevin Pieterson will get hit by a bus. No one will care

Jay

#1: England’s middle order will win the series for them
#2: Brett Lee will be Australia’s highest wicket taker
#3: Aus will play at least one (probably two or more) of the tests without a specialist spinner
#4: James Anderson will finally realise some of his potential and cause The Aussies all kinds of issues
#5: Kevin Pietersen will score nothing, be dropped, slated by the media and disappear into obscurity where he belongs

Stefan

#1: Ozzie will win despite going there without enough batsmen
#2: Ponting to have a monster tour after being so insulted by his own countrymen for being one of the worst Ozzie captains in recent memory.
#3: England will fold at least once due to ridiculous batting and will be duly slaughtered by their own press (possibly the first test) prompting KP to lash out at the media, the support, the coach and quota selections in KZN.
#4: Johnson to get injured near the end of the tour because Ponting makes him bowl 60 overs a day, again.
#5: Rudi Koertzen has to get a hearing aid after standing to close when KP snaps BOTH achilles tendons trying to take a quick single

Justin

#1: Peter Siddle will be Australia’s leading wicket taker at the end of the series.
#2: Mitchell Johnson will break some England players’ hands.
#3: Kevin Pietersen will be England’s leading run scorer for the series, including 3 centuries.
#4: Ricky Ponting will fined for dissent.
#5: After losing the second test, Shane Warne will offer himself for selection for the rest of the series, be declined and end up having a three some with Pietersen’s not so famous wife and some hookers,  in an S&M fiasco that eclipses the Max Mosely scandal.

This was the response of SA coach Pieter de Villiers to criticism of his selection of Ricky Januarie as reserve scrumhalf for the Springboks. True story, folks. You can’t make this shit up. Januarie is overweight, unfit and the slowest distributor of the ball in world rugby. He’s still riding on the credit he earned when we won the Eden Park test last year. How long can one inspirational try keep a man in a team that he’s clearly not good enough to play in?

On a similar note, how is it that the SA rugby public are the racists? This is same public that worships the ground Brian Habana walks on and that roars “BEEEEAST!” every time Tendai Mtawarira even looks at the ball. And a man who selects every squad based on the colour of their skin is calling everyone else racist? Surely I’m not the only person seeing the irony here. It’s beginning to reek of desperation. The man has made selections that were justifiably criticised, yet which he stood by, and now that they haven’t paid off, he’s being stubborn to the point of ridiculousness because he’s terrified of looking stupid.

SHIT, TOO LATE!

You already look stupid. You insist on picking that pie-chucker (or is it pie-eater?) Januarie and Earl “Tikmasjien” Rose, despite the fact that you’re the only one who can see any form of ability in them. Hell, neither of them can even hold down a place in their provincial sides, nevermind the national side. But you keep on including them in every single national squad, despite there being better players than either of them. If you desperately need players of colour, pick Heinie Adams, pick Bolla Conradie, but Januarie has had enough chances now. As for Rose, I would suggest Stevie Wonder or Stephen Hawking. Both would do better at flyhalf and you score on all sorts of equal opportunity levels.

There were a few other gems to come out of this latest press conference.

“I like doing my own thing and I don’t care what other people think. Their opinion is just that, an opinion.”

Thanks for confirming what we already suspected. That you run things your own way. Maybe SARFU should save some money by firing Dick Muir and Gary Gold and buying you a couple of bobble head dolls. That way you can ask them a question and just bang your desk to get them to nod their heads and agree with you.

And regarding the first Lions test:

“The one thing that people appear to forget, is the result. We won the Test. We waited 12 years to win this match and we did it. We are very, very, very satisfied with it. We never said we were going to beat them by a lot of points, we will win with one point and be satisfied.”

Yes, you won, but you could have destroyed them! You could have beaten them so badly that their confidence would never have recovered. Be happy with the win, but not with the score. These are the Lions, not Romania or Uruguay. You can’t just do whatever the hell you want to and expect to maintain form, cohesion and momentum. You’re the Bok coach. Shouldn’t you know this?

The second portion of a look at the current state of affairs within the Springbok squad. Note: This article was intended to be published prior to the announcement of the Springbok Squad to face the B&I Lions (unlike the very successful and accurate ‘Part 1’ which was posted quite some time ago). Since it is only seeing the light of day now, the content below has been adapted somewhat to incorporate Pieter De Villiers’ squad selections. We obviously already knew who that squad would consist of, naturally. The feature below therefore serves mostly as a confirmation of that fact.

The forward pack will be a double edged sword for Pieter De Villiers this season. Remember that in South Africa, as shown in Part 1, the dominant aspect of a player’s skill set when being considered for Springbok selection is his skin colour. We are however blessed in this country with some of the most outstanding forwards in world rugby, revered by the public, media and fellow players. If you are a loose-forward, for example, you have to be outstanding just to get a look in at one of our provincial teams due to the abundance of quality in that position. The double-edged sword remark comes into play because all the good forwards in South Africa are white. We have the potential to pick the best pack in world rugby, I don’t entertain arguments concerning this matter, but the problem is that this pack will be exclusively white – hence – De Villiers picks his strongest pack to dominate and hurt the opposition but loses his job, or he picks the government’s idea of a Springbok pack and he loses all his international matches.

The above is an example of why I cannot understand how anyone would want the Springbok coaching job – there is not only a performance clause built into the contract, but also a quota clause, effectively making the coach jump around and dance to the government’s tune like a sick and twisted version of a court-jester. The quota clause, of course, is the more aggressively supported and reported aspect within government and most of the media. I still firmly believe you cannot have both – development of the game within the non-white townships has not yet provided enough international (some may even say provincial) class black players to be forcing them into the Springbok side and still expect a winning season. But black player development in this country is an issue that deserves its very own epic novel.

The forward pack is where it all comes to a head. The best we can do is a few Zimbabwean imports which is a slap in the face of black South African rugby players who have more of a right to be forced into the Springbok setup before the Zimbabweans are forced into the Springbok setup. Again, we will look at the current crop of players who should be in the Springbok side and then the other side of the universe, the quota side. This is not going to be easy. We need a magnifying glass.

The fun already begins at eighthman. A bonus for South Africa is that the best Nr 8 in the world is currently in form and above Affirmative Action. Pierre Spies seems to have (fortunately) shaken off the serious disease, or whatever the hell it was, that denied him a much deserved World Cup winning medal in 2007. It was a tedious road back but in the beginning of the Super 14 season he most certainly was back. With a bang. He is really fast, really big, really strong. If you can find a pictorial rugby dictionary, the description of eighthman will have a picture of Pierre Spies. His early season successes have ensured that he was almost marked out of the game during the latter stages of the Bulls’ oversees trip during the Super14. This usually involved at least three defenders to soak him up. Regardless of being negated, if ever really possible in a game, the affect he has is immense on defensive patterns. Not many countries can boast having an u/21 World Cup winning wing playing Nr. 8 while being bigger than most natural eighthmen in the world.

The pretender to the throne is the lanky Ryan Kankowski. He is the English-speaking, more tender equivalent of the destroyer that is Spies, although he doesn’t get involved in the rucks and mauls as much as he should. Some might even say he never gets involved in the rucks and mauls which I find a critical failing. He is a forward. It pays off though since he picks up enough good ball on the fringes or, more often than not, on the wing to catch enough shine and score enough tries. I suppose he needs to bulk up more before he becomes a complete Nr 8, he is utilizing his impressive pace to full effect at the moment and that appears to be good enough to be regarded as the second best Nr. 8 in the country.

Call me traditional, narrow minded, old fashioned or even bigoted – but I feel a forward is a forward. Would Jannie Breedt be caught between the wing and the centre every 5 minutes? I think not. Nevertheless, it is exciting to see a Nr. 8 run through some backlines and set up forward ball, it must be part and parcel of the attempts by the powers that be to liven up and make the game of Rugby Union more “attractive”. Whatever.

The government will probably not be swayed by the fact that the two players mentioned above have size, pace, ball skills, acceleration and all round great field presence. No. They will make a case for vomit boy and his new found career boosting positional switch to Nr. 8 being the reason for him to wear the green and gold again this season. When it comes to quotas, it pains me to say but he is probably the best black player we have that can play in a loose-forward role. He is a flank, albeit a very short flank, but a flank nonetheless – the fact that he is a quota player boosts him past almost everybody else. It is therefore refreshing to see that Pieter De Villiers and his advisors were, like his predecessor, not swayed by the government and didn’t include Watson in the squad to face the Lions. I hope he has the courage of his convictions and keeps it that way if, heaven forbid, an injury occurs to one of the primary Nr. 8’s and he finds himself having to call up some reinforcements.

Moving to flankers we see the reasons for why Jake White rightfully refused to buckle (up to the last moment) and select Luke “I am quite pale for a black man” Watson to wear his despised and hated Springbok jersey a few seasons ago. The list of better flankers than puke guy was long back then, it is much longer now. Schalk Burger is famous. Everyone knows him so no need to elaborate on his game or achievements within the game. Jake White summed it up best one post-match interview when he quipped “I wish I could have 15 Schalk Burgers”. Injury, as ever in the demanding schedule of the modern day rugby player has halted Burger’s usual demolition of opposition in the ruck, maul, open play, structured play, line-outs, scrums… everywhere actually. His track record at international level is undisputed and he is probably the easiest pick out of all the players.

It almost seemed as if Juan Smith was running on empty for the biggest part of this year’s Super 14. It culminated in his departure from his side’s Australasian tour after a dismal game where he was diagnosed with heat exhaustion. It makes sense when you have the class and ability of Smith in a depleted, weak side where the general work-rate is lower than what he would be used to. His support play probably lacked, he seemed a tad slower to the channels than what he normally would be, hence his defensive work suffered. Never having been a player that stands out or is as noticeable as the other big names, his seemingly tired efforts made him seem even more absent. Make no mistake, his contribution to any rugby game is enormous – especially at international level where he has the measure of any opposing loose-forward. I just cannot help but feel that his continued allegiance to the lowly Cheetah franchise is hampering his overall game, and career. Imagine the value he would bring to a very young Sharks back row, or in combination with Spies at the Bulls, for example.

He is under threat though, as good as he is. The young and enthusiastic terrier Heinrich Brussouw is standing out when considering loose forwards. He is fearless. The Sharks loose-forwards, as I have mentioned already, are young and showing incredible potential. Daniel, Botes and Deysel. The latter probably being the most exciting young loose forward to arrive on the Super 14 scene. He is a machine. If he can stay injury free he will be a Springbok in no time. His driving runs and powerful displays have shown that he doesn’t have long to go before he reaches the upper echelons of the game. The Stormer import Duane Vermeulen (what the hell kind of name is Duane for a guy based in Bloemfontein) from the Free State by Rassie Erasmus have shown that he is willing along with Franscois Louw in a below par squad. Experience is counting against them though but the fundamental requirements are there – size, speed and skill. The rest will come with time, and that time will be shorter if Rassie can find some sort of formula for improving the general level of the franchise’s game. Winning sides breed ‘Bok players.

Apart from Watson being selected as a utility back row replacement-after-an-injury, there are no logical affirmative action selections that can be made by the government for these positions. Even I doubt they would go as far as selecting Watson’s dad, but you never know. The pickings are slim. Despite all the raving and ranting from the government, Kabamba Floors was exposed at international level when Jake White also finally relented and gave him a run in the ‘Bok jersey – he just is too small. I quite like his enthusiastic attitude, he is a willing ball carrier and looks for work but that is where his abilities end. Hilton Lobberts has somehow managed to still stay in and around the provincial game set up. He is a walking penalty, a liability that brings nothing to the game that can be traded for the amount of 3- and 5-pointers he gives away. He has been used as a lock by Rassie but that can only be ascribed to his slackness in keeping his weight down off-season, Lobberts and January obviously train at the same gym, I suspect it is called McDonalds.

The size issue brings me to Brussouw. He has been touted as the next big name in South African rugby. That may very well be the case but against a powerful Lions pack there can be no place for him in the current Springbok setup. He is small. He has no major contributing factors that could see him being selected over the powerful duo of Schalk and Juan. He had a superb season but that is only enough to get the Springbok fans shouting about his selection, it doesn’t automatically make him an international class flanker. He also flourished under the Super14 version of the ELV’s. Whether Brussouw was suited to that version of the ELV’s or whether he would’ve shined anyways, is a matter for debate. I fail to see how he will be effective though against a large and skillful Lions pack. It is not a good idea to use a tour that occurs once every 10 or 12 years to be experimenting on the introduction of a Watson-esque ‘fetcher’ into the established forward dominating style of the Springboks. Select him for the Tri Nations by all means, but against the Lions we need power, pace and forward dominance.

At lock we have a mixed bag. The once labeled ‘best lock pairing in the world’ is now maybe the ‘2nd best lock pairing in the world’. Victor Matfield doesn’t seem to relish his role as a lineout specialist anymore, neither does he seem to be able to join rucks and mauls lately. I can only guess that the reason is he needs time to run from his unaccustomed lock position to his more accustomed wing position. One can’t be catching lineout balls or join rucks when you have a job to do on the wing. And the job he is doing is not creating tries or breaking the line, unfortunately, despite what Matfield believes. A lock is a lock for a reason. Locks cannot run, sidestep, distribute, tackle opposing centers and wings nor improvise as good as a backline player can. A lock should only find himself in the backline in broken play because he is too lazy to run to the loose-maul, or he is setting up crash-ball which should be the first channel around the fringes – NOT on the wing.

Matfield’s failed backline play has been the cause of many missed opportunities for the Bulls, and unfortunately, Springboks due to his inability to do what a normal backline player would be able to do. He is still a lineout powerhouse even though he is less active than two seasons ago. He is still an adequate captain despite not being able to position himself where he is supposed to be. He will not lose his position in the Springbok setup for two major reasons: his partnership with Bakkies Botha is a good one, there hasn’t been anyone to properly challenge his position and the second one is there are no black locks.

Bakkies Botha is a lock. He is an abrasive, aggressive, powerful lock who does not stand for this new-age era of forwards running around like headless chickens. He enjoys conflict, and ensures that he is close to where the action is or if there isn’t any action, he will do his best to start some. Every Springbok squad needs a hard man or two – Bakkies plays this role to perfection. Seeing a Springbok lock clearing out the ruck with… energy… is as enjoyable as seeing a Springbok centre sidestepping his opponent – maybe even more so.

Andries Bekker, a talented forward and very tall lock is unfortunately a scholar in the Victor Matfield school of “Run around like an idiot and pretend to be a wing”. Maybe this is a pre-set plan instigated by Peter De Villiers? Maybe he requires, for his own psychotic needs, a lock pairing where only one commits to normal forward play and the other is a very tall centre? Johan Muller is, albeit very nondescript, a more traditional lock that sticks to the basics and does them well. It is these very basics that form the foundation of a good solid possession dominated game. You need locks that thrive on contact and physicality. Not sheep in wolf’s clothing. Muller, although not a standout lock, is a perfect back-up to the better known lock pairing – he is consistent and has even lead the ‘Boks a few times, this is another added bonus that he brings to the table but may not be enough to give him some Springbok game time.

Danie Rossouw is a surprisingly versatile forward. He has somehow gone from lumbering donkey to a super-effective utility Lock/Flanker/Eighthman. I was highly critical of his continued selection prior to the 2007 RWC, seeing him as a slow and tedious lock prone to giving away unnecessary penalties. He obviously then went on to have a storming RWC and prove his worth in the Northern Hemisphere. A fact that cannot be overlooked when the Springboks face similar opposition to the English team they defeated twice during that campaign. He will relish a forward dominated game against the B&I Lions and should comfortably slot into a Flanking or Locking role. Reviewing my initial assessment of him – his value to the Springbok Squad as it stands currently is great.

Unlike many Springbok fans I am more convinced now than before of who should wear the Nr. 2 jersey during this upcoming British & Irish Lions test series. Bismarck Du Plessis simply is one of the most powerful hookers in world rugby, an incredibly exciting prospect considering his age. His scrummaging and ball carrying fits perfectly into the Springbok style of forward play. Some may say that he had a relatively mediocre Super14, I disagree and insist that his season this year not be compared to the previous two or three when he exploded onto the scene. Du Plessis probably suffered under John Plumtree’s rotational policy. Between the national captain and Du Plessis the position of hooker was never established and it ended up merely looking like John Plumtree not being able to decide what he wanted the front row to look like, more than a well thought out rotation of players.

The front row never settled and the much hyped Sharks pack suffered for it. Bismarck seemed unsettled at times and I hope this does not carry over to the Springbok side where the uncertainty over his starting position may very well also be present. I doubt very much Pieter De Villiers is sure who he wants to play in what position. I do know that Bismarck Du Plessis was so highly regarded by Jake White that it prompted a change in career of one of South Africa’s most successful captains purely because he would’ve had to have been benched for the better player.

It is clear that De Villiers intends for John Smit to be his first choice tight head and it is almost a necessary compromise, for John and for Bismarck. John would never be comfortable being the run-on hooker knowing that the young Bismarck is the better equipped, not only at Super14 level but most definitely at international level as well. What is nice though is that Bismarck can be the wrecking ball he always wanted to be for 60 minutes and then go have a shower with John filling in as hooker for the last 20 minutes – a nice backup to have on the field. Whoever finds himself benched for that specific game can then come on to add some freshness and proper tighthead scrumming power.

Gurthro Steenkamp and Deon Carstens seem to be the favoured backup props for this tour. We can’t find too much fault in those two, especially since Peter De Villiers has finally gotten rid of the stupid idea that Brian Mujati should be in the front row. The guy cannot scrum, he cannot pass, tackle or run – granted, the last three skills are not as critical for a prop, but compared to what else is available, it would be criminal to continue with Mujati, just as it always was with Lawrence Sephaka. Even the most staunch Affirmative Action supporters within government themselves couldn’t bring themselves to condone the inclusion of Sephaka in any team of importance whatsoever. Mujati is very fast getting indefensible as well, thank goodness for the Zimbabwean fan-favourite Beast Mtawarira then. It provides that much needed quota option in the once Afrikaner dominated zone of the front row.

This is the reason, we suppose, for the exclusion of scrumming powerhouse BJ Botha as was Cobus Visagie a few seasons ago by Jake White. CJ Van Der Linde has also fallen out of favour with the current establishment. His generally loose play apparently surplus to requirements.

The ELV’s as played in this year’s Super14 made it tough for the once peaceful prop fraternity. It seems as though most are caught between two opposing mindsets – being as mobile as possible, flinging weight around like a loose-forward (or 2nd/3rd hooker) and the other being a ruck & maul specialist. Older generations of props were happy to be used in the set-pieces and then jog around behind the maul conserving energy until the next hit. Making the odd tackle and falling on the odd loose-ball completed the average game.

15-man rugby these days require mobile forwards with high work rates yet still maintain the dominance required in the set-pieces. A strong scrum adds defensive pressure and secures attacking ball. You need a power front row for that which starts with good props – specialist scrummagers who can handle the pressure and put the squeeze on when required. It is a pity therefore that Heinki Van Der Merwe was injured towards the end of the season as he is probably the most exciting young prop since Os. His tackling around the fringes and clear dominance in the scrum will be invaluable to the ‘Bok cause when he is eventually fully fit again. Beast is of the mobile variety, enjoying the loose style which the props of today are allowed to play. John Smit was never a very mobile hooker having always had prop-like dimensions, his scrumming will be tested intensely this Lions tour and is one of the most talked about issues regarding the tests.

If his scrumming is exposed then Bismarck will be the affected party as the backup specialists will be required faster than the 60 minute mark. A game which should see the ‘Boks dominate upfront will be thrown on its head if the battle in the front row is lost in the first 20 minutes. Lack of adequate game time may very well see the Springboks playing catch-up rugby for the rest of the first test, the questions may then be – can the Springboks re-establish forward superiority and can that be done with the captain in a relatively unfamiliar yet important position? Can the ‘Boks afford losing the barging runs of Bismarck earlier than they wanted to since the alternative – an early John Smit substitution – is not an option.

The move of John Smit is a gamble no doubt but as I stated before, it is a necessary one to ensure the best leader and the best hooker are on the same pitch at the same time. I just hope it is not an exploitable gamble, the Lions are not in the same class as the Springboks on paper, they do have a superior coach and the history of the 1997 Lions that count for them. Hopefully it is not enough to get an unlikely series win.

If Australia actually had a strong provincial system that attracted crowds and television revenue they would hardly be keen on the proposal. They would stand to lose more.  More so, if they had a solid provincial structure that filtered talent into their Super Competition franchises they would not need to contract so many players. Unlike New Zealand and South Africa, they do not have that luxury. Australia’s lack of competitive provincial or state rugby means that major franchises need to contract larger squads to retain their talent and depth. Not for the good of the franchises alone but for the good of Australian and Wallaby rugby as a whole.  The fact that The Brumbies and Waratahs are in the process of cutting squads suggests that Australia is fighting to save its own rugby, not the viability of the SANZAR relationship. It is willing to risk the quality of the product across three countries in an aim to prop up its own dwindling coffers. What makes this entire fiasco so preposterous is that Australia admits they are struggling to fill stadiums and now they admit that their franchises are struggling financially to the point where they cant maintain large squads. In the process of saving their own rugby they want South Africa and New Zealand to risk their own successful structures?  South Africa and New Zealand are expected to can their provincial competitions in an effort to improve Australian rugby?

Already Australia and New Zealand are under onslaught. European and Japanese clubs are throwing money at their players who are in some cases willing to give up national honours chasing those pay checks. With Australian Super franchises now cutting back on contracts they are only going to bleed more talent to foreign leagues.

Consider that Australia cant retain players. Consider that Australia cannot afford to retain some of those who want to stay. Consider that the game does not attract the capacity crowds they desire. Now consider that Australia is demanding mid week Tri Nations test matches during the Super competition which will remove a minimum of 66 players. Australia is demanding that South Africa give priority to a Super competition over its Currie Cup after it weakens the Super competition by removing international stars AND is already struggling to fill its franchise rosters. How is this a practical solution for anyone? Even for Australia?

How can The Brumbies and Waratahs even field a team of 22 players if they cut their squads AND lose players when the Tri Nations rolls around? Unless of course they are going to demand two games a week from the players now? Surely not. Although, desperate men are rarely rational either.

Even if by some miracle SANZAR can overcome these current obstacles one needs to wonder if the SANZAR relationship is even worthwhile for South Africa anymore. For years we have been at a disadvantage with extended travel and little recognition for it. There is little sympathy for the “weak” South African teams that get murdered year after year when they go down under. It has certainly been amusing to watch the Australian and New Zealand coaches try to come to grips with the travel. Travel has made teams like The Cheetahs and Lions competitive. The three week tours they Australian and Kiwi sides have in South Africa pale into insignificance when you consider that South African team are often away for 5 weeks minimum. South African players have been handed heavy suspensions from the citation tribunals for years while Australian and New Zealand players have been handled with kid gloves too. Not only have we been at a disadvantage with the travel we have certainly been the receiving end of some dubious officiating.

South Africa has nothing to gain from the SANZAR relationship anymore. Not unless it is willing to risk its own provincial structure. That was the only thing that kept South African rugby alive during isolation and it has a long proud history. It is also the one thing that ensures we are not reliant on SANZAR type competition to keep our rugby afloat. I would hate to be in Australias position.

New Zealand needs to seriously reconsider its own position though. Its time to lift your skirt and grab your balls girls. The Aussies are leading you down the garden path with little concern for your rugby. If you believe that trans Tasman rugby really is in your own best interests then so be it. We will take our players, our fans and our pay checks elsewhere. Good bye and good luck. Chances are, when we do find a home in Europe, half your players will end up in those leagues anyway.

He has fizzled. For all his ability and the fearsome reputation that he may have, Brett Lee could quite possibly be the worst player to  ever take 300 test wickets. He is like the Herschelle Gibbs or Daryll Cullinan of Australian cricket. The perennial underachiever who everyone” just knew” would find some level of consistency tomorrow. Promise.

Lee, who was regarded as Australia’s premier bowler not 12 months ago,  has a test average of 30. THIRTY. The best thing about Brett Lee turning 30 was that he was finally older then his bowling average.  Australia has been the best side in world cricket for the last 20 years and Brett Lee played in an era when Australia dominated the game in both formats. Despite their dominance Lee still averages more then 30 with the ball in test cricket. Not the respectable 28 Heath Streak averaged for hopeless Zimbabwe. Not the respectable 30 Javagal Srinath averaged for India on their dustbowls. A bowler averaging more then 30 with the ball is like a batsmen averaging less then 40 with the bat. Its a benchmark which separates the quality players from average players.  How did someone who inherited the mantle of leading strike bowler for the best side in the world ever manage to con his way into such a fearsome reputation in the first place? Its not one that ever  been based on performance.

Shane Warne strangling sides on the other end did little to improve his potency. The advantage he had with Glenn McGrath bowling at the other end never produced anything but mediocrity.  Playing more then half his cricket on wickets that suited his game did little for his record either. Playing for a side that rarely felt the pressure they exerted on other sides could not help him break that benchmark 30 mark. Brett Lee has been as potent an attacking force as a blind man with a walking stick.

Lee never had to bowl against Australia either. When Mathew Hayden was not making sweet love to Justin Langer he was prison raping opposition bowling attacks. When Ricky Ponting was not out slamming back the shooters in the nightclubs he was murdering opposition bowling attacks. When Steve Waugh was not torturing small animals in his backyard, he was torturing opposition bowling attacks. Lee never had to bowl against them unlike the rest of the world had to. One shudders to think what his record would have looked like if he was expected to.

Lee not only had the chance to bowl after the best batsmen in the world had half killed the opposition, he had a chance to bowl with players like Glenn McGrath and Shane Warne at the other end. He bowled at sides worse then his own and sides that were under constant pressure. Despite these advantages his record fails to inspire. The only heart anyone can take from his record is that Australia is perhaps so deseprate for bowlers now that the mediocrity of Brett Lee is all they really have to count on. The rest of the world can actually compete against Australia if this is their kingpin.

The Australian media has built his reputation more then his record and performances have. Perhaps its the fact that depth is proving to be a problem or perhaps its just that they take a shine to certain cricketers, his record simply does not justify the recognition he is given. Leading into the Ashes the media frenzy surrounding Lee’s availability would lead one to believe that Curtley Ambrose himself had decided to make a comeback. Just because he is one of Australia’s golden boys and a fan favorite should not exempt him from the scrutiny with which we view other players. Records often speak for themselves. A good career and a solid performer he may be but a cricketing great he will never be.

The sad reality of it though is that occasionally players unworthy of legacy are often remembered while players worthy of legacy are often ignored. For every Brett Lee, there is a Shaun Pollock. For every Mark Waugh there is a Rahul Dravid.

Most are influenced by either media hype, sensational articles or as is the case in this lovely country of ours – the strong arm of politics (more than likely it is the latter that has the final say). We here at kiefpant.com like to think that we can rise above the rest of the peasants and provide a squad based on performance, skill and ability on the field rather than, oh, let’s say, colour or something ridiculous like that. I will go one better than the popular, knowledgeable and clever rugby journalists in South Africa and provide not only the squad that should be selected based on merit but also the squad that will most likely be selected by the government. Oops. I mean Springbok rugby selectors and administrators.

The following is based on a healthy mix of Super14 and Northern Hemisphere club performance as well as track record and experience.

Starting with the backs, we seem to hit a snag straight off the bat with the Springbok Fullback position having been left vacant by Percy Montgomery. The youngsters that had been primed to fill his role never quite made the grade, or got injured, or both, or were white. I firmly believe that this position, at international level, must be filled with experience. The biggest aspect of fullback is positional play which can only come with experience. Pace, defence and handling all complete the package, but no fullback will ever be competent at international level if his positional play is below par.

It is probably then why I am inclined to include Stefan Terreblanche for consideration since he brings a wealth of experience to the position, his performances this season show as much. What he lacks in pace (he is an old geezer by now) he more than makes up for in experience and tactical awareness. He would be an ideal choice against the structured British & Irish Lions squad who are getting ready to tour South Africa. His abilities will be a reassuring aspect against a potentially more intelligent rugby team in the Lions. But. Since I have not fully convinced myself of the above I will select Francois Steyn at fullback with Stefan as his backup.

Steyn and his Boot

Steyn has the following: a massive boot, awesome attacking options, a massive boot, third or fourth kicking option (especially from distance), a massive boot, playmaking ability (a bit lost at fullback but he can slot in anywhere in the backline if he has to) and he has a massive boot. Against the Lions the Bok pack will have to be on the front foot as often as possible which Pieter De Villiers can achieve with a solid kicking game, nothing is more demoralising than having to tackle Pierre Spies the whole day and having to take lineouts in your own 22 the rest of the game. Steyn can do this to you if you kick at him – which is more than likely with a team made up of only Northern Hemisphere players. Under instructions he can pin you back and make you change your game plan, if he actually remembers the instructions.

Taking a look at the other potential players – we have Conrad Jantjes, a Springbok that is fortunately halfway to the correct colour but unfortunately almost as injury prone as the glass-legged Andre Pretorius. Also, unfortunately, he has been crap this season. Edit note: just before publishing it was by sheer coincidence that I saw Conrad being stretchered off the field, so much for that then. Hennie Daniller is playing in a losing squad, which often puts a lot more focus on the fullback. He is big and seems to have some skills, but he is still very green, and therefore won’t be considered for a few more years. Louis Ludik has had a good season thus far in what is also a losing squad. This makes it all the more impressive. What he lacks in size and power he more than makes up for in effort. I certainly hope he at least gets included in the initial “appease-the-dutchmen” ‘Bok training squad, to… well… appease us Dutchmen.

Zane Kirchner has bulked up incredibly from last season. He has had some good games but nothing to set the world on fire, he is adequate and in South Africa, if you are a player of colour, it means you are a Springbok. And I convinced he will be selected this year. Earl Rose is, well, Earl Rose. This season Earl Rose has undergone a remarkable change which may or may not strengthen his game. He has shaved off that ridiculous afro – possibly to be able to fit that silly helmet of his on his head. But, I fear that no amount of haircuts will make him a better player. He is a liability in any side, in a struggling squad like the Golden Lions it is a bad combination. Even though Loffie is struggling with quota players, he still can’t be arsed to make Earl his first choice Fullback or Flyhalf – this should say a lot. Sure, he has had a few moments of inspiration this season, but any opposition team is bound to leak a try or two after scoring so many tries against the Lions – its tiring work. I will not want my counter attacking inspiration, or more importantly, my last line of defence to be Earl Rose.

So, the Springbok Fullback will be Earl Rose then with something like Bevan Fortuin and his afro being the backup. It is worth it to mention that the spin doctoring has already started with the highly respectable Jake White having talked Rose up for Springbok selection this week. Sigh. Facepalm. Sigh.

Moving swiftly on to the Wings we have a few players to mention. The obvious initial choice is Habana, he has all the qualities that we want in a wing and then some. Injury has broken his rhythm a bit this year but his track record is unquestionable and I wouldn’t give any injuries to Habana the slightest consideration when it comes to selection. We cannot afford to. He has experience at the highest level and under the structured, defensive, forward dominated style of Jake White at the World Cup he still shone and scored as many tries as that man-mountain Lomu. There are a few doubts over his usual devastating pace this season, I remember with horror some arbitrary no-name brand from the Brumbies or some other team chase him down but fluffed the tackle in one of Habana’s intercept tries. Still, he is my left wing and, AND, he is not white which makes him and JP Pietersen one of the few players that kiefpant.com and the governm… the Springbok Selectors will pick to run on.

Habana sometimes flies

JP Pietersen has found his scoring form again and showed his ability and class again this season, albeit at the beginning of the season when the Sharks were dominating. The fact that his prominence wanes along with the Sharks’ dominance is somewhat worrying because we have all the reason in the world to assume that we will not necessarily dominate the touring Lions. His lack of scoring opportunities is obviously not all his doing, but one notable difference between the two wings is the urgency and manner in which Habana has started looking for work the past few seasons (after being marked to death by opposition teams) and JP being seemingly content to handle his side of the field. Will he still be able to score freely in a tight, or heaven forbid, losing game? I surely hope so because we do not have another wing of equal ability to select. We have the pace of Nokwe, Chavhanga and the hair of Demas. They are the right colour but none have the pedigree of JP or the experience that I keep harping on. Nokwe and Chavhanga are potent if you have the playmakers to put them in space or a gap so that they can carry the ball very fast towards the try line. The Ndugane twins are similar, but please put them in a gap a bit closer to the tryline before a prop gets to chase them down.

Henno Mentz has been given a second lease on life at the Lions after being discarded by the Sharks, and he grasped it with both hands. He can’t seem to stop scoring tries, which in my opinion, is a rather handy ability to have if you are a wing. In South Africa though, where we are in short supply of capable black forwards, the traditional Affirmative Action positions have always been Wing and lately, scrumhalf, this counts heavily against Mentz. Wing and scrumhalf are the only places where a struggling coach can be assured of making up some quotas. We will therefore see the slow, skinny and non-tackling Ndungane twins finding themselves out of their depth and inside the ‘Bok squad, Nokwe and Chavhanga as well if they can stay uninjured.

The midfield is more of a headache with a few players putting up their hands for selection. The obvious initial choice at the inside lane is Jean De Villiers. His anticipation, general playmaking and more importantly – his ability to break the deadlock from nothing is invaluable. He also provides another possible leadership role if required from the backline. I suppose leading a Springbok-heavy Stormers side to the nether regions of the Super 14 table is not that impressive, but being a potential captain of the ‘Bok side is not why he will run on. He is a natural midfielder and if he can just have a stretch of 6 months without a career threatening injury we will all be happy, hell, we will take 3 months.

Francois Steyn is his perfect backup, some people may think it a weakness to shuffle the backs around in-game. I don’t, I find it exciting and it adds such a powerful dimension to a team’s ability to adapt in a game depending on what the situation calls for, that it is almost a must have in the modern game. Also, De Villiers is bound to break an arm or fracture his skull in the first 10 minutes of the first test – so more than any of the other positions, it is nice to have some options to fill the gap. Wynand Olivier has had a good season, as much as it pains me, but he has. I don’t know how though – he has a terrible side-step, he can’t really be used for crash-ball or setting up phase play as his ball-retention is pathetic, he once passed the ball to his teammate in 2005, but it was to his left so the rugby watching public still cannot be sure if he has the capability of passing right.

Nevertheless, this Super 14 season he has done something right (it may just be the cumulative experience gained touring with the ‘Bok side purely because there WAS no other centre to pick) and has even scored some tries. Again, the one aspect I always keep in the back of my mind is when exactly does a player perform? Is it in a losing side or a winning side? Do they perform when the chips are down? Do they disappear when trailing and being run ragged? Taking this into account, and the fact that he only looked good when the Bulls looked good at the start of the season, I don’t think Olivier is our man for the pressure situation. Also, we may sometimes sound pedantic, and often overstate issues that we hold dear here at kiefpant.com, but I will again say that it would be nice to have a midfielder that can pass the ball. Hell, I will even take the odd offload in the tackle before moving on to the more complicated aspects of rugby such as passing.

No discussion on the South African midfield will be complete without mentioning the powerhouse that is Jaque Fourie. He does not look like a typical centre, he has a Pieter Rossouw-esque gangly run that I often want to describe as loping. Yet, his acceleration off the mark is incredible for such a big guy and the pace he generates is mind-boggling. The physics don’t seem right. He has just enough vision, skill and tactical awareness to complete the perfect outside centre package along with his obvious pace and strength. Fourie has struggled a bit with injury this season but I would ascribe that to having to constantly walk on water and dodge speeding bullets to inject some life into the Lion’s backline. He is a major reason for the success of the Lion’s wingers in the early stages of the season. I think my granny could play outside Jaque Fourie and run in to score at least once a game.

He will unfortunately be hard done by in that his biggest challenge comes from Adrian Jacobs who, again, is black and an adequate player and will therefore be the ‘Bok 13. Jacobs has looked good thus far but has completely disappeared and looked rather out of sorts when the Sharks started struggling in their more recent games. He is another of so many players that rely on a good foundation to shine. Give him good front foot ball and he will look the part. To put things in technical terms – his defence is bleh, his general open field play is bleh and his pace at international level can best be described as, well… bleh. To make things a bit more interesting he does have a challenger in Gcobani Bobo who has looked rather impressive in another struggling outfit, the Stormers. He has looked eager and willing to look for work but, unfortunately, I feel age is against him. His pace and strength isn’t good enough at international level. This is a pity since it has taken him about a decade to gain enough experience to be a good midfielder. I don’t think he has the ability to be a good international midfielder – if he does then he would’ve been one when he was selected for the Springboks many years ago. He will be in the squad though and all the luck to him.

Another player I would like to mention is Waylon Murray. I was quite excited to see a young quota player that had some size, pace and impressive acceleration playing in a powerful Sharks team. Injury has however hampered his progress but fortunately only after he had made a ‘Bok squad – a selection I firmly believe was on merit. For him to be there again will smack of Affirmative Action since his game time thus far ends in a sum total of about 34 seconds, give or take. Nevertheless a fully fit and healthy Murray should be challenging the white guys for that midfield Springbok positions in no time, joining his Sharks teammate Jacobs in the process.

Next up is Flyhalf. Ugh. This is providing the biggest headache for selectors, coaches and administrators alike. The government is pissed off because after years of meddling, quota systems and affirmative action they still haven’t managed to produce a black flyhalf. The closest the South African rugby system has managed is Kennedy Tsimba – unfortunately he only lasted a season somewhere in the beginning of the century and, more importantly, like so many of the good AA players in South Africa he is actually Zimbabwean. Flyhalf is therefore one of the few positions where a white boy can be selected for rugby at a higher level based purely on merit. Unfortunately there are no good white guys either.

I have been Ruan Pienaar fan since he first started playing. He has an incredible feel for rugby, he was born to play the game, it’s in his genes – his dad was class and he is class. Pienaar though suffers from a terrible affliction that often strikes down young talented players before they peak. He is essentially a utility back because he was never primed for the position of flyhalf. He was the official scrumhalf backup where he had played most of his provincial rugby, technically he was the third or fourth choice scrumhalf until two seasons ago behind Fourie Du Preez, Enrico January and Bolla Conradie.

None of his coaches through the provincial rugby ranks seemed to know where to put him either – he is obviously talented and capable in many positions, so he ended up at scrumhalf and stayed there. Much like Francois Steyn being moved around to wherever the current coach would require him, Ruan became a rare scrumhalf/utility back. This is great if you are a coach in dire need of players to fill random gaps, but not great if it’s your career being limited because you are a random backline player and not the much required specialist Springbok flyhalf. Ruan’s class is enough to make him the first choice flyhalf of Pieter De Villiers as well since the best we have against the Northern Hemisphere is injured again. Butch James was having a great season up North before the inevitable injury occurred that would see him sidelined for the Lion’s tour.

Having a look at specialist flyhalves we have Morne Steyn, Andre Pretorius, Peter Grant and Willem De Waal. It is difficult to get excited about that line-up. The Springbok style of play is probably the closest to the Bulls style of play in terms of its forward pack emphasis. Size and domination up front sets the platform for a dictating flyhalf and his speedy backline. Morne Steyn will do well if that is the case. He is relatively accurate although a bit predictable. He is no Daniel Carter. He is exactly what Bulls rugby always produces – one dimensional kicking flyhalves with terrible hairstyles. Steyn has worked on his attacking play though and has actually surprised opponents and teammates alike with a few line breaks and sidesteps of his own. Wonderful.

Peter Grant’s stint at Inside Centre having been forced on him due to his captain’s untimely injury may very well prove to be a blessing in disguise. If Morne Steyn is one-dimensional, Grant is none-dimensional. He is too slow and seems to lack the energy that will get a backline going, nor has he the tactical awareness to dominate a rugby game. Grant does have sufficient size to provide a defensive element to the backline that an Andre Pretorius and unfortunately, as it seemed in the Super14, even a Ruan Pienaar can’t provide. Peter Grant has had a few games in the ‘Bok jersey and wasn’t disastrous. That isn’t, however, how the rugby watching public should be describing incumbent ‘Bok flyhalves.

Andre Pretorius has lost all the elements that made him an international flyhalf. He is still as injury prone as ever and I cannot recall a stretch of 2 months where he hasn’t injured something. Gone are the sidesteps and incisive linebreaks from a standing start. His tactical kicking has been terrible this season, it is almost as if the ELV’s have caught him by surprise and he didn’t bother reading up on them while recovering from one of the many hospital beds he has occupied in the past year or so. With Butch out of the running (again) Pretorius and all 18 of his achilles heels will shift upwards on the flyhalf ladder. It’s probably not all bad since he has quite a bit of experience to bring to the ‘Bok team, albeit bad experiences thus far this season.

Willem De Waal is no stand-out player but he is adequate. Being adequate and white is not the same as being adequate and black in South Africa. We will therefore see Rose in the squad as fullback/flyhalf utility and with the injuries to the numerous players ahead of him in the pecking order he will probably run on in a few games.

Scrumhalf is a more exciting position to discuss. We have the tried and tested world class Fourie Du Preez who cemented his place a few Tri-Nations ago with some seriously powerful runs around the base and showed off his superb kicking game even before that. The first 2007 RWC game the Springboks played against the English was probably the most complete game I have ever seen from a South African scrumhalf. He dictated more than any flyhalf could and took all the pressure away from Butch. An aspect that I believe helped Butch have a great World Cup, he gained a lot of confidence from that start to the campaign, and it’s thanks to Fourie Du Preez. One of his most valuable aspects is his open play kicking which is worth gold when you have a young, inexperienced flyhalf in a tough British & Irish Lions tour to protect and ease in.

Du Preez on the charge

Du Preez has always had that shoulder injury cloud over him, he gets involved and for a scrumhalf to constantly trade blows with the forwards he is bound to develop a few niggles. Fortunately South Africa has a brilliant backup in Rory Kockott who has shown he can mix it up with the massive and mobile loose forwards that ply their trade in the Super 14. He can kick at poles too. In fact, he would be my first choice kicker if Fourie wasn’t keeping him out of the team. Kockott has managed to perform well behind a strong yet very young Sharks pack, the loose-trio is probably one of the youngest combinations in the Super 14 yet it hasn’t hampered Kockott’s progress up the ladder of potential Springbok scrumhalves. Some journalists are even of the opinion that it is Rory Kockott’s excellent scrumhalf play that was the catalyst for Ruan Pienaar to eventually pull the Nr 10 jersey over his head and not his accustomed Nr. 9. I disagree with this, but still think Rory Kockott has more than enough in his arsenal to take over from Fourie Du Preez when the time comes.

It is worth it to note that Jano Vermaak has had a good season behind a pack that has delivered all sorts of ups and downs on the field. This is bound to give him excellent experience as he can never be sure if he is going to get brilliant ball or no ball at all. He has shown that he is eager to attack and has the basic half-back skills to probably fit in behind a more dominant pack. Dewald Duvenhage is the incumbent Stormers scrumhalf who, like Vermaak, has had a mixture of good and bad delivery from his hot and cold pack of forwards. This is probably all the more daunting when you are still rather inexperienced.

Apart from Fourie Du Preez, the players mentioned above will most likely have to watch the ‘Bok games from their lounges or at best, from the reserves seats in the stands. It is common knowledge the obese second choice scrumhalf of the Stormers will get a lot of game-time again this year. Despite having the ball distribution skills of a 12 year old girl with muscular dystrophy, despite his clearing at the rucks and malls being slower than cancer, he will be in the ‘Bok squad again and will be the stand in scrumhalf if Fourie Du Preez is injured or rested. It is a sad state of affairs when even die-hard rugby supporters who know the game well, and know their statistics and have a proper knowledge of the game, support Enrico January purely because of THAT try he scored in New Zealand. Yes, this is unfortunately the state of affairs in South Africa when the bounce of a rugby ball after a chip over the scrum can cement a below par player’s place in the Springbok setup.

Even the most right-wing of rugby supporters have become numb to the state of enforced selections that debates often focus on which quota players are better than other quota players. Whether any of the quota players under discussion are any good, most would not even make club sides in other countries, is not the point. January is just such a player, we are forced to accept him and rate his play as if he was a normal rugby player, because he will be there regardless of being an overweight, slow and inept scrumhalf. He is more experienced than Bolla Conradie and Heini Adams and this is a little green shoot in the dead tree-trunk that is Enrico January. Although, the difference between a backline moving from Ruan Pienaar or Fourie Du Preez distributed ball was vast when compared to that of January. Nevertheless, once a season he does have a brief moment of inspiration where the bounce of the ball favours him and the government with all the media and rugby fundi’s will have all the reason they need to explain why he will be selected for another year of putting world class Springbok backlines under pressure and on the back foot.

To recap – my Springbok backline (assuming all are fit):

15. Francois Steyn
14. JP Pietersen
13. Jaque Fourie
12. Jean De Villiers
11. Bryan Habana
10. Ruan Pienaar
9. Fourie Du Preez

My Reserves:

15a: Stefan Terreblanche
14a: Tonderai Chavhanga
13a: Adrian Jacobs
12a: Wynand Olivier
11a: Henno Mentz
10a: Morne Steyn
9a: Rory Kockott

The government’s Springbok team (assuming all is fit):

15. Conrad Jantjes
14. JP Pietersen
13. Adrian Jacobs
12. Jean De Villiers
11. Bryan Habana
10. Ruan Pienaar/Earl Rose (they will have to squeeze him in somewhere)
9. Fourie Du Preez

The government’s Reserves:

15a: Earl Rose/Zane Kirchner
14a: Ndungane twins (I never know which is which)/Chavhanga
13a: Gcobani Bobo
12a: Wynand Olivier
11a: Jongi Nokwe
10a: Some white guy
9a: Enrico January/Bolla Conradie

I can understand this. They are after all former prisoners of mother England and they were a colony up until last week. What that has created is a nation of cheating, whinging crybabies who are almost impossible to please. Again I can understand this. What I cant understand is why they cant keep it to themselves and why they constantly insist on trying to fuck up my rugby.

The whole reason why we brought the ELV’s into the game of Rugby Union was because the Australian Rugby Union wanted a game that could compete with the “excitement” of Rugby League. For some reason, a fair amount of people in England and Australia adore Rugby League because its what they like to call “pure running rugby.” Its a game that has eliminated set pieces almost entirely and strategy comes down to basic mixture of brute strength, fitness and speed. Few specialist positions in what is essentially full contact touch rugby. The joy comes in watching backlines run full tilt at each other trying to find gaps in the defence after which they hoof the ball down the field if they could not break the gain line. No one else in the world gives a fuck about Rugby League really. Its one dimensional. Despite this, Australia believes that have a way to improve the game of Union and make it easier to market to everyone. They are going to try to make it more like Rugby League.

I can understand why they find League more appealing then Union. There are people who love 20/20 cricket and would not dare watch Test Cricket too. Its a game that takes time to understand and requires a bit of effort to appreciate. Its considered the working mans game in Australia. Something for the plumbers and bricklayers. SANZAR went to the IRB and pushed for a change to Rugby Union rules so they could produce a more exciting game. A more marketable game. Especially in Australia, where the ARU felt they could not compete with League and AFL. They managed to convince everyone, even themselves, that its not the marketing of Union that is the problem, its the game itself. The game of rugby is flawed. The Northern Hemisphere has been against the notion of a rule change because they feel that rugby, as it was, had no real problems. The fans of the game, the people who appreciate Rugby Union, enjoy the set pieces and what it brings to the game as much as they enjoy seeing five pointers scored. Not only that but ratings for the game have been growing and rugby is going from strength to strength internationally. The game is exploding.  The IRB buckled though and we now have the ELV’s currently being trialled. Australia got their way. They managed to get the changes made would provide them with the rules which should encourage the running rugby they, the Australians (and they believe the rest of the world) would like to see. Australians want attacking rugby

Even before this, when SANZAR was first being formed and the Super competition was only a competition paper, Australia and NZ were both “concerned” that the conservative style of the South African teams would make the product difficult to market in their respective regions. A bonus point system was introduced to ensure that the heavily defensive nature and set piece dominance of the South African teams would not be rewarded. Bonus points for tries were agreed upon in effort to ensure attacking rugby was ALWAYS going to be played by all sides. Defensive sides were always at a disadvantage.

There has been a prolonged effort by the Australian Rugby Union to encourage attacking play. Its been going on for years. Years! Slowly but surely, the game has moved away from its conservative nature and begun to embrace the attacking entertainment that League offers. You would think so at least.  Yet once again, it seems as if we can expect another U-turn. The Aussies, and the Aussie franchises, are concerned. Again. Rugby, is in trouble. The Super competition, is in trouble.

With only three rounds remaining and nine teams separated by only seven points, it seems inevitable that play-off berths and even home semi-finals will be decided by a count back if two or more sides finish tied.Yet, as could well be the case, that could mean the Blues, currently only one point out of the top four despite having won only five matches – but with 10 bonus points to their credit – could pip the New South Wales Waratahs and the Brumbies, both of which have six wins at present but only four and three bonus points respectively.

With three rounds to go, the Blues and Waratahs have an identical points differential of 12, while the Brumbies, despite having an extra win, are almost impossibly placed with a points differential of minus 52. Big deal right? This has been going on for years right? I mean, this is how the competition is fucking structured, right?

“That doesn’t seem to make sense,” Waratahs coach Chris Hickey said. “Rugby is, after all, first and foremost about winning matches.”

Give the cunt a medal. I find it ironic that two years into the ELV’s and after all these years of playing a competition with a bonus points system they helped draft,  its now an Australian side complaining about the negative impact it is having on his side. The Waratahs have played some of the most boring rugby we have had to endure in this competition. Be it spoiling at the set pieces or spoiling at the breakdowns their inability to score tries and break the line has been laughable. They have embraced that inability to the point where even the Fox Sports commentary team, as biased as they always are,  have resorted to cheering them on for their defensive style of play. They wear their defensive record with pride. Attacking rugby be fucked, this is whats winning matches for us!

The running rugby we have been hoping to see with the rule changes and bonus point system happens to be coming from the South African and Kiwi sides. Individual points tables are currently dominated by South Africans who are traditionally at a disadvantage with the ELV’s and attacking nature of Super rugby.The script is like something out of the twilight zone. The Australian bitching? Clearly just another day at the office.

But it gets better. While most critics are satisfied there is a place for continuing with the system of rewarding attacking rugby by awarding a bonus point to sides scoring four tries in a match, but there is a growing dissatisfaction with the allocation of a bonus point to sides losing by seven or less, Fox Sports reports.

“There’s logic in having a bonus point for scoring four tries but I think, personally, it’s better if you only reward try-scoring, not sides that finish within seven,” Hickey said. “There was the example of the Crusaders losing 20-10 to the Cheetahs on the weekend but getting a penalty right on the bell, kicking the goal and scoring a bonus point because the match finished at 20-13. “Good luck to them, because that’s the rule, but I’m not sure it added anything to the match.”

Of course it adds nothing to the match. It adds something to the competition. It encourages sides to not only keep pushing even when they are faced with the prospect of defeat, it encourages sides to put the other team away so they take no points out of the game at all. Again, the Waratahs in the low scoring affairs where they eeked out a win playing 1950′s South African style rugby, have LEAKED points in the competition because they have not managed to beat anyone convincingly.

How can they feel hard done by here? Rule changes that suited their traditional style of rugby. Competition structures that reward attacking rugby. Structures that have been in place since its inception.

If there is any justice in the world no Australian side will qualify for the Super14 semi finals. Bar Western Force, who have played some entertaining rugby, both the Brumbies and Waratahs have been awful to watch. The Waratahs in particular could make watching paint dry seem exciting.  Its winning rugby, but its boring rugby.

Its time to call a spade a spade. The Aussies have no interest in improving rugby. They dont need to improve rugby to make it easier to market to Australian audiences. They need to win. Winning rugby gets the crowds in and the viewers on the sofa. By limiting the importance of set pieces and speeding up the game they make it easier for their players to compete. When you grow up playing league, and wanting to play union like its league, its no wonder that a fucking fairy like Al Baxter could win so many test caps. Rugby does not need to change. Australia needs to change. Fit in or fuck off.

What is ironic though is that as soon as an Australian team has shifted their style of play to accommodate for their own shortcomings on attack they find fault with the structure of the competition. Unfortunately, I doubt it will be the last we hear of this if the Waratahs do not qualify.