There is no other nation that can celebrate mediocrity with the enthusiasm and fervour that the British can. To be bland and nondescript excites them no end. One merely has to cast a quick glance over the past year’s sporting results to be confronted with a nation hell-bent on celebrating the average. Not just the public, of course, but more often than not the press – that most hated of collective – the British Media. Spit.

Stofile seems to be a name one needs to win political favour within sporting circles in South Africa these days. Not only have we had a Mike Stofile working as deputy vice president of the South African Rugby Union, we also have a Makhenkesi Stofile running sports as a whole in South Africa. To be a Stofile is to be a sporting wunderkind it seems. One would also be forgiven for thinking that the title “Minister of Sports and Recreation” would automatically suggest a person

Let’s be honest straight off the bat. I can see he is useless. You can see he is useless. About 45 million supporters can see he is useless. His own players can see he is useless as well as his coaching support staff can see he is useless. The media and the public know he is a terrible coach, but, just as the naked emperor prancing down the street, the shocked observers just cannot seem to get themselves to shout “But look! He doesn’t even know how to coach a provincial side!”

Well, it’s almost Ashes time again and despite both teams showing a remarkable ability of late to lose for no reason, this could end up being a fairly close contest (in the same sort of way that Afghanistan vs Bermuda is close). It’s been commonly agreed that Australia are touring with too few batsmen, which they may end up regretting, but by the same token, England have as many batsmen as they need available to them, yet can’t seem to shake the brittleness that’s been plaguing them for the past year or so.

With all this in mind, we’ve decided to offer up a few of our own predictions regarding the series. Please note that we at Kiefpant bear absolutely no ill will towards bitchy, whiny, arrogant, attention-whoring ex-pats with identity crises.

“He made one mistake on Saturday, but so did other players. What I have learnt in South Africa is the following; if you take your car to a garage to be repaired and the owner is black and he doesn’t do a good job, you will never take it back there again. But if the owner is white and the garage makes a mistake, people say, never mind, he made a mistake and will take it back again”.

This was the response of SA coach Pieter de Villiers to criticism of his selection of Ricky Januarie as reserve scrumhalf for the Springboks. True story, folks. You can’t make this shit up. Januarie is overweight, unfit and the slowest distributor of the ball in world rugby. He’s still riding on the credit he earned when we won the Eden Park test last year. How long can one inspirational try keep a man in a team that he’s clearly not good enough to play in?

The second portion of a look at the current state of affairs within the Springbok squad. Note: This article was intended to be published prior to the announcement of the Springbok Squad to face the B&I Lions (unlike the very successful and accurate ‘Part 1’ which was posted quite some time ago). Since it is only seeing the light of day now, the content below has been adapted somewhat to incorporate Pieter De Villiers’ squad selections. We obviously already knew who that squad would consist of, naturally. The feature below therefore serves mostly as a confirmation of that fact.

So the Brumbies and the Waratahs have had to cut their squads due to the global financial crisis. Who would have thought the recession so severe that rugby franchises would have taken a hit this bad, and this quickly. After reading this press release, one cant help but think that the global financial crisis is being used as a scapegoat for the financial pressure the Australian franchises are feeling, regardless of the economy. Are they in survival mode? Negotiating with desperate men is rarely productive. What I find ironic however is that this has come at a time when the Australian Rugby Union in particular, under the supreme leadership of its overlord John O’Neill , has decided that South Africa needs to marginilise its provincial rugby competition. The ARU has been pushing SANZAR, and in the process South Africa and New Zealand, towards a revised Super competition calender and structure. Not only do they want weekday Tri Nation test matches during the Super competition, they want to move the competition start date to April effectively reducing the South African Currie Cup to a sideshow.

Is that even a word? Im not quite sure, but it certainly is fitting. Without a doubt one of the fastest bowlers the game has ever produced, Lee managed to set the world alight when he first hit the scene. Averaging in excess of 150km an hour his express pace unsettled even the best batsmen who were unfortunate enough to be scheduled to play Australia that summer. The only man to have ever bowled faster  has been Pakistan’s Shoaib Akthar (recorded, many still regard Jeff Thompson as the fastest that ever played). Lee’s first year of test cricket produced some incredible results too. In his first 8 matches he averaged less then 20 with the ball at a strike rate of 32. He looked like the real deal and he was set to conquer the world.

It is round about this time that the media and public start speculating about the ‘Bok team for the coming year. Midway through the Super 14 and closer to the end you can find any number of 22 man squad combinations ranging from the obvious to the downright absurd. Journalists, interviewers, specialists, coaches, government, presenters and selectors alike all analyse and speculate for months on the eventual 22, and final 15.

Most are influenced by either media hype, sensational articles or as is the case in this lovely country of ours – the strong arm of politics (more than likely it is the latter that has the final say). We here at kiefpant.com like to think that we can rise above the rest of the peasants and provide a squad based on performance, skill and ability on the field rather than, oh, let’s say, colour or something ridiculous like that. I will go one better than the popular, knowledgeable and clever rugby journalists in South Africa and provide not only the squad that should be selected based on merit but also the squad that will most likely be selected by the government. Oops. I mean Springbok rugby selectors and administrators.

The natural urge to cheat comes because they are  a nation of people who were once criminals. I can understand this. Its why an Australian cricketer will never walk and why George Smith has had his hands in every breakdown and ruck the game has ever seen. The natural urge to whinge and complain is ingrained by the influence Britain has had on its culture.

I can understand this. They are after all former prisoners of mother England and they were a colony up until last week. What that has created is a nation of cheating, whinging crybabies who are almost impossible to please. Again I can understand this. What I cant understand is why they cant keep it to themselves and why they constantly insist on trying to fuck up my rugby.